gosh i just started work(again) and it couldnt be worse by experiencing what i experience. but i surprised myself by being so cheerful after JUST experiencing those stuff. but when i reach home, my whole mind is filled with despair. i feel like hiding at a corner of my room just not to go work. feel like falling sick and not go work. feel like getting some sickness dat requires me to stay in hospital but not to go work. but once i am at work, all the feelings were gone. i can smile cheerfully at those ppl dat inflict such emotions on me. i am just so weird.

i wanted badly to go home everyday when i am at work. but when i am on my way home or at home, i become so gloomy dat i cannot function well. i cun smile at my parents. i lock myself in my room. and keep watching nodame hoping to cheer my up so tat i can go for work again. i drag my feet i dread going to work so much. but how come when i am working, it's different? even after being scolded, being hit, i still can smile at the person dat does dat to me even though my mind keep flashing back to the incident. i guess i'm crazy.

i hate work now. totally. but wad keep me from quitting? actually, nothing. i can just quit immediately. and pay them those money for medical checkup and all. but i didnt. i dunno why too.

i just started work for 2 days after my 1 week break. and everyday is so horrible.

the first day of work, there is shortage of staff. and there's course in the middle of the day and i need to go take blood test, my patient absconded, i got insulted by my sister, i still havent recover from my leisure 1 week break. the harsh words and the ugly expression when she spoke those words is imprinted on my mind. i keep thinking about it. i didnt cry even though i feel like crying. but if i cry she will scold me even more. she keep implying tat i am making excuses, dat i dunno my work, dat wadever others taught me i nv keep them in my mind. as if i am not serious in my work. and i tot i was grateful to her because she help me twice. once when i am a student(in another ward) and once when i just start work not long ago. y suddenly her attitude towards me change so much?

i just dunno y. i used to ask her things dat i dunno. and she will answer me patiently. and suddenly she become so judgemental and scold me when i just innocently ask her something tat i have totally no idea what to do abt it.

i got 1 patient who have a PA card. i heard of PA card. but i dunno what's the use of it and how to deal with it. are we taught of this before? if we were, i have to say tat i dun recall at all. and she say to me in a frustrated tone. 'dat's the problem with you people, i dont even know y u all go for lectures, during orientation they give u so many talks in the theatre for wad? go to the tutorial/meeting room for wad? we teach you all so much you all forget and den now ask again. wad's the point?' at this point i was already horrified. what's wrong with me asking smth i dunno? din u all always say if anithing dunno, ASK. dont because of afraid to ask den anyhow settle it. and i ask didnt i?

i only wanted to know, my patient is from a nursing home and he have a PA card, now he is going to discharge, what to do with the transport? do they book it or we book it? if we book it den wad service are we going to use? i know we cant use the private transport becuz the patient cant pay. but for our own transport, doesnt it have a closing time or smth? because if i din recall wrongly, if we need the transport, we have to book 1day earlier or many hours earlier cuz they are very busy. in this case, i dunno wad time my pt going to discharge becuz he still need to see another dr which god knows when he will come. in this case how do i book the transport? i wanted to know dat.

she happen to sit beside me when i was answering the phone call from the nursing home. and the guy there is super blur and cant speak clearly. his accent is very strong also. and sometimes he dunno wad i am talking abt so i have to repeat a few times. but my sister beside me got so irritated with me already. den the guy says my pt is a PA card holder which no one pass to me, and also the pervious shift also nv pass to me dat pt going back nursing home whether they have contacted the nursing home OR NOT. just when i going to call the nursing home, they called me. and i was puzzled by the fact dat the pt is a PA card holder. and i wanted to cfm with them the transport thing. so i turn to my sister and ask 'pt is a PA card holder, the transport how? we book?' she replied me 'ya we book tat's it. just tell the nursing home dat. what for talk so much?' me, shocked, talk in the phone, 'ok thank you' and quickly hang up the phone.

y she so irritated with me? she dunno the whole story. she dunno wad the person is telling me. how can she do dat to me? so little trust towards me. she said 'if i am the person at the other line, i will surely bark at u' i felt so hurt. how can she comment liddat when she only heard a bit of my side of conversation? i ignore dat comment and ask her regarding the transport. she didnt wait for me to finish and she keep asking me questions. my mind was freeze. i nv book transport myself b4. always my trustworthy ward clerk will do it for me. according to another sister, she say this kind of thing ask ppl help you to do. u cant do everything by urself. so, i dun have a chance to learn dat yet. i babble abit. and she got sooo angry with me. and started scolding me. i keep quiet and nod and nod and nod. my ward clerk cant stand seeing me liddat. but she cant interfer. she keep shaking her head. den sister insult me again. 'you local or what?' i say i am a local den she angrily said 'you a local you dunno abt PA card? seriously you are worse than yang juan(my batch). she is not a local and she know more than you.' hey, you think yang juan go and read up on tat meh? if i perviously deal with pt with PA card, of cuz i know wad to do la. den i dun need come and ask u right?

i just keep quiet. and let her scold me. den i told her frankly, i never have to book a pt transport in this manner, normally my pt have relative and den we arrange the transport together. den she say 'so your pt got relative?' den i wanted to open the case note dat i hug to my chest and she wave angrily 'dont see now! you dunno ur patient have relative or not? you dunno ur patient how u take care of ur patient? everytime i tell u all dat u must know ur patient.' i said i nv take care of this pt before (i was on 1 week leave remember? but i din say dat la) and i haven even open his case note yet. i havent do my changes yet sister. i said with a sigh. 'hey. u dun liddat say. how can you not know ur patient?' trying to tell me dun make excuses. 'hey common sense la. patient is a PA card holder. PA card means public assistance. no relative no own home to stay. dat's y need public assistance!' so i told her 'but, sister, perviously my pt whom have PA card, have relative. and he stays with his relative.' wa... she got more angry and said 'WA! SO CLEVER! then wad for pt need PA card?' how do i know???? wo de ma ah. how can a human being be so mean to another human being? all i can do is swallow all this anger and self pitiness and breathe in hard and stay calm and look at her.

finally she cool down and tried to explain to me wad to do. but wad can she tell me? she din even listen to my question fully. she din even know wad i wanna ask her. she is saying those things dat i already know. treating me like an idiot. den finally she said 'go and do ur work.' so i went and den my kind ward clerk came to me. and explain to me wad to do kindly. and den i tot her the problem. and she grasp it immediately. and say dat most probably the patient cant go back on tat day. and say she will help me. she answer my question perfectly. in less den 5mins. and sister whom walked past us, commently loudly 'i just explain to her only now have to ask another person.' LIKE SHIT! my ward clerk pity me and come and talk to me only. i din ask her anithing lo. seriously i hate ppl liddat. nv hear the full story and comment whatever they like. my ward clerk at tat point is getting angry too. she shake her head and shown me a look asking me to ignore the comment. i almost cried at her kindness. i think she can feel dat too.

afterwards, sister came to ask and ask how is everything. whether i book the transport already or not. den i told her y i cant book yet(i was smiling at her when i answer her at that point of time already. see i am crazy) den she said 'aiya, den just now so nervous for wad?' -.- wa liew.

i am not the sole victim to her meanness dat day. poor michelle was being screamed at too. she is always liddat. not being mean la but always commenting like she know everything. but actually she dunno wad's really happening. everytime i see her i know dat it's going to be shitty.

today morning, after my night, she said infront of everyone dat i need to raise EHOR because my pt absconded. den i really dunno need to ma. so i say 'is it?' she got angry again. -.- after passing report, i went to her asking her what should i write abt. and den she say 'u dun need to do anithing, i already written for you. what u wan to follow up abt for?' how did i know she written already. she din tell me wad. treating me like some idiot again. such disrespect towards me. i cant respect her liddat. even though i am grateful for her helping me before but i cant tolerate her treating me liddat. nowadays the sister which used to be nasty towards us are way alot better den her. at least her scolding and everything was truthfully wanting me to do well. she is so kind towards me nowadays.

during my night, i was hit by my pt. i nearly cried. and i felt sick afterwards. nausea and giddiness.

the story goes like this:

it was 2am, and i was suppose to give medication to my pt tat need them. my this pt was quite frenly in the day. he had morphine and panadol to take. so i pounded them and went to him. he was awake den. so i tell him. '(his name), i am going to give you pandaol.' i hold the medicine cup to his eyes. and tap it to his mouth. he have no reaction. so i tried to pour abit into his mouth. he seems to be sipping. so i try again. and den suddenly he hit me with a stick dat he use to massage himself. he hit me on my head. it was quite painful. the pain last for at least 10mins lo. i just said a loud 'ouch' and dat's it. i straighten up and look at him. he said 'you dont force things into my mouth!' i took a deep breathe and say 'look, this is panadol. i already told u is panadol didnt i?' him 'no. i dont think this is panadol.' i replied with widen eyes 'but this IS panadol.' and he just look at me. i pick up the medicine cup of morphine and show it to him. 'look. this is morphine and dat is panadol. do you wan them?' 'no. i dont want morphine. i dont want panadol.' 'ok. so you dont want them?' 'no' and i throw them away angrily. wad did i do to deserve this? gosh.

den he started shouting smth dat i dun understand. and i went back in and ask 'u calling for me?' 'nope. not you.' and i gave him a smile. he is confused. i told myself. and i have to forgive him because he is sick. but the pain dat i suffer for being kind. who to share with me? i seriously hate working.

everytime i think of my baby going to spend his sunday alone this week becuz i need to work. and i cant spend more time with him cuz of this kind of work, it brought tears to my eyes. i can be happily with him but i need to go and work at such a horrible environment. if my parents know how my work it's like, they will be so heart broken. sometimes when the relative are mean to me. i feel like asking them. 'hey, i am so busy you know? i haven even eat my dinner. i am starving and feeling weak. and u are treating me liddat. imagine ur daughter is working liddat, how do you feel? how do u think my mother feel? please be more considerate can or not?' i know their relative are sick. and they are worry. but my parents are worry of me too. worry of me falling sick. i feel like telling the relatives dat if they carry on liddat, i will die before any of them do. they might be 60 years old, down with stroke and all dat, when i am 60 i am probably dead already. from taking care of all these ppl.

i am so unhappy. but y cant i just quit? there isnt ani skill dat i know. i dunno how to cook, how to play piano, how to play guitar, sew, knit, or anithing. the only thing i know is being a nurse. but i am not good at it also. how useless could i be?

the only thing dat makes me go to work,

$$$$$$$$$$


this is the next phone i gonna get. 3 more pay and i might get it.

i doubt anione can understand what i am writing abit. it is jumping here and there. but dat's what my brain is then.























a super unglam es:



the power of makeup:

muahahaha. (i din photo edit away my pimples. and dat yellowish skin around my eyes. purely makeup)

the power of posing, camera angle and editing:


the power of love:


*i wish i wun get depression or smth liddat. i wish i dun need to go work. i wish i can spend every waking moment with my baby love*

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